Created by Mike & Mollie. If you enjoy our work, please subscribe here.
Casual conversation is good and necessary, but my wife and I’s relationship has grown the most from asking each other deep, probing questions on a regular basis. There’s something about setting aside intentional time—not just to talk about the day or the kids or what bills need paying—but to actually explore each other’s thoughts, fears, and hopes, that brings a level of connection you can’t get any other way. These conversations aren’t always dramatic or life-changing, but they add up. Over time, they build this incredible sense that you really know the person you’re married to—and that they really know you.
I think a lot of couples assume these kinds of conversations will just happen naturally, but for us, that’s rarely been the case. If we don’t intentionally make space for them, life fills the silence with noise. That’s why I’m a big believer in keeping a running list of meaningful questions we can pull out when we need a nudge. Some of the best conversations we’ve ever had started with a single, thoughtful question. So if you’re looking for ways to reconnect or just dive deeper with your spouse, here are ten questions I recommend keeping in your back pocket.
What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately that you haven’t shared with me?
Sometimes our spouses have whole worlds of thought swirling inside their heads that never make it into conversation. Not because they’re hiding anything, but because life gets loud. This question slows things down and gives them permission to bring those quiet thoughts into the open. Maybe they’ve been pondering a career change, worrying about a family member, or wondering what it would be like to take a trip to a place they’ve never mentioned. Big or small, hearing what’s been on their mind helps you know and love them better.
Is there a dream you had when we first got married that you still want to pursue?
Every marriage starts with a sense of possibility—a whole lifetime stretched out ahead, full of things you want to do together. But over time, some dreams get shelved. Maybe they got pushed aside by the demands of parenting, financial pressures, or just the everyday stuff of life. This question is a chance to dust off those early dreams and see which ones still spark excitement. It also opens up space to dream fresh dreams, ones that fit who you are now and the life you’ve built together.
When do you feel most loved by me?
You might think you already know the answer to this one—but there’s always room for surprise. People’s needs shift over time, and what made your spouse feel loved a few years ago might not be the same today. Maybe they feel most cherished when you plan special outings, or maybe it’s the quiet moments when you make them coffee before work. By asking directly, you take the guesswork out of it—and you show that loving them well is still one of your top priorities.
What’s something you miss about the early days of our relationship?
There’s a certain magic in the early days of a relationship—when every date feels like an adventure and you hang on each other’s words like they’re gold. Of course, marriage brings its own deeper kind of magic, but that doesn’t mean you can’t long for some of that early spark. Maybe your spouse misses spontaneous road trips or the way you used to write little notes to each other. This question helps you tap into nostalgia—not as a complaint about the present, but as a way to recapture what made you fall in love in the first place.
What’s one way I could be a better partner to you right now?
This is the kind of question that takes real vulnerability—because you’re opening yourself up to constructive feedback. But that willingness to hear hard truths (without getting defensive) can be a huge gift to your marriage. Maybe your spouse needs more emotional support during a stressful season, or they feel disconnected because you’ve been distracted. Whatever the answer, the goal is not perfection, but progress. This question shows you care enough to keep working at being a better spouse, day after day.
What’s one fear you have about the future, and how can I help ease that fear?
Even the happiest marriages aren’t immune to worry. From financial uncertainties to aging parents to the sheer unknowns of life, everyone carries fears. But sharing those fears with your spouse makes them feel lighter—and knowing your partner wants to walk alongside you through them makes you feel safer. This question invites honesty, empathy, and teamwork. Together, you can figure out how to face whatever’s ahead as a united front, instead of carrying those fears in silence.
What’s one thing about me that you admire but maybe don’t say often?
Compliments are easy to give when they’re surface-level—“you look nice today” or “thanks for dinner.” But the deeper affirmations? Those can get lost in the shuffle. This question invites your spouse to dig a little deeper and share something they truly admire about who you are—not just what you do. It might be the way you handle stress with grace, your quiet kindness to strangers, or how you always find a way to make them laugh. Hearing those things can fill your heart in ways you didn’t even know you needed.
What’s a way you’ve felt disconnected from me lately, and how can we work on that?
Even strong marriages have seasons of emotional drift. Sometimes it’s caused by busyness or stress, and sometimes it’s just a slow erosion of quality time. Asking this question isn’t about blaming each other—it’s about naming the distance so you can close the gap. Maybe your spouse misses deep conversations, playful flirting, or simply sitting on the porch together after dinner. Once you know where the disconnect is, you can take action to rebuild closeness intentionally.
What’s something you wish we did more of together?
Couples often get stuck in routines, doing the same things week after week because they’re familiar and easy. But what if your spouse has been craving something different—more weekend hikes, cooking new recipes together, or volunteering as a team? This question sparks creative brainstorming and reminds you both that fun and adventure are still part of your story. The best part? You’re not just talking about what to do—you’re actively building the life you both want.
What legacy do you hope we leave behind as a couple?
This is the ultimate zoom-out question. It’s about more than just the day-to-day of marriage; it’s about the story you’re writing together. What do you want your kids (or friends, or community) to remember about your relationship? That you were generous hosts? That you supported each other’s dreams? That you showed kindness even in tough times? Dreaming about your legacy helps you align your daily choices with your long-term values—and gives you a shared sense of purpose that strengthens your bond.
