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I love thinking about ways to add a spark or a bit of novelty in our marriage. I think this intentionality is a key ingredient in maintaining the youthful love and playfulness that makes a relationship so great. As we come up on our 15th year of marriage, I can now say from experience that having a good, enjoyable marriage is not rocket science, but it does take consistent effort from both you and your spouse. It’s not about grand gestures or constantly trying to impress each other—it’s about staying curious, paying attention, and making sure you never stop choosing each other, even when life gets messy.
Over the years, I’ve gathered a whole list of small habits and ideas that have helped keep that spark alive for us, and I love sharing them with others. Every couple is different, of course, but I really believe that the principles behind these ideas are pretty universal. They all boil down to showing your spouse that you see them, you appreciate them, and you still genuinely enjoy being with them. With that in mind, here are nine of my favorite ways to keep the spark alive in a long-term relationship.
1. Prioritize date nights (and make them non-negotiable)
It’s easy to say “we should go on more dates,” but actually making it happen is a different story. Life is filled with obligations, and it’s tempting to let date nights slip to the bottom of the list. But the couples who really thrive long-term are the ones who guard that time fiercely. Whether you plan something elaborate like a night out at your favorite restaurant or something as simple as sitting on the porch with a drink after the kids are in bed, the point is that you’re spending intentional, uninterrupted time together. It’s a signal to each other that “we matter” and that even when life is hectic, your connection stays front and center.
2. Surprise each other, even in small ways
Surprises get a bad reputation for needing to be grand gestures, but honestly, it’s the little things that have the biggest impact. Bringing home your partner’s favorite snack just because, sneaking a love note into their lunchbox, or sending a random “thinking of you” text during a busy workday all show that you’re actively thinking about each other. These kinds of thoughtful surprises act like tiny sparks, keeping the excitement alive and reminding both of you that romance doesn’t only live in big moments — it’s built in the daily details.
3. Keep learning new things together
The comfort of knowing each other so well is beautiful, but a little novelty goes a long way in keeping things exciting. Learning something new together — whether it’s taking a dance class, trying out paddleboarding, or even working on a puzzle you’d normally never buy — creates fresh energy. Being beginners together brings out curiosity and vulnerability, which helps you see each other in new ways. And when you can laugh at your awkwardness together, it brings a playfulness that’s irresistible.
4. Communicate beyond logistics
There’s a kind of “marriage autopilot” that’s all too easy to fall into — where the only conversations you have are about bills, kids, chores, and schedules. Those talks are necessary, but they don’t nourish your connection. Make space for conversations that go deeper. Ask your partner about what’s been going well lately, what they’ve been thinking about, or what’s been on their heart. It’s amazing how much there is to discover about each other, even after years together. This kind of curiosity keeps the relationship from feeling stale — it keeps you both interesting to each other.
5. Don’t underestimate the power of physical touch
Physical touch is one of the most underrated ways to maintain physical — and I’m not just talking about in the bedroom. Holding hands while watching TV, giving your partner’s shoulder a quick squeeze when you pass by, or even just leaning against each other at the end of a long day all send a silent but powerful message: “I’m here, and I see you.” Life gets busy, and touch can fade into the background, but couples who stay physically connected tend to feel emotionally connected too. And bonus — physical affection boosts oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which helps lower stress. Win-win.
6. Share future dreams, even if they’re small
In the early stages of a relationship, dreaming together feels automatic — you’re imagining your future home, trips you’ll take, and maybe even the kind of family you’ll build. But those conversations can fade as you settle into routines and responsibilities. Keeping the spark alive means continuing to dream, even if the dreams are small. Talk about places you’d love to visit, projects you want to tackle, or even silly bucket list items you could chase together. It keeps you focused on the future you’re building side by side, instead of just coasting through the day-to-day.
7. Try the “daily appreciation” habit
It’s human nature to take what’s familiar for granted — and long-term relationships are no exception. One way to fight this is to make daily appreciation a habit. Every day, tell your partner one thing you noticed or admired about them. Maybe it’s how they handled a tough conversation, or how cute they looked while making breakfast. These small moments of praise create a positive feedback loop — the more you notice the good in each other, the more good you’ll see. And when you feel appreciated, you naturally want to show even more love in return.
8. Embrace playfulness (yes, even if you’re serious people)
It’s easy to get so caught up in adult responsibilities that you forget how to have fun together. But playfulness is fuel for long-term attraction. Think back to the early days of your relationship — chances are, you joked around, teased each other, and found reasons to be silly. That doesn’t have to disappear just because you’ve been together for years. Whether it’s goofy dancing in the kitchen, inventing ridiculous inside jokes, or challenging each other to mini competitions (who can cook the best pancakes?), playfulness brings back that flirty, lighthearted energy.
9. Be intentional about intimacy (it doesn’t have to be spontaneous)
There’s a cultural myth that the best intimacy is spontaneous — like some movie scene where both people just happen to be overcome with passion at the exact same moment. But in real life, especially with busy schedules, sometimes you have to plan for intimacy the same way you’d plan a doctor’s appointment. That doesn’t make it less romantic; if anything, it builds anticipation. Sending flirty texts throughout the day, talking about what you’d like to do together, or even making a playful “appointment” for quality time can make intimacy something you both actively look forward to instead of leaving it up to chance.
