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I’ve come to believe that good communication is the bedrock of a healthy marriage. And good communication has to start with trust. Without trust, even the most well-intentioned conversations can feel loaded, guarded, or incomplete. I’ve seen firsthand how small secrets, even the ones that seem harmless, can create distance between two people who love each other. Over time, those little gaps can widen into something bigger, something harder to repair.
That’s why I believe there are certain things you should never keep from your spouse. A marriage isn’t just about sharing a home or a life—it’s about sharing yourself, your fears, your struggles, your dreams, and your mistakes. I know it’s not always easy to be completely open, but I also know that honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable, is what keeps a marriage strong. Here are nine things that should never be kept secret in a healthy relationship.
1. Financial troubles and spending habits
Money problems are one of the leading causes of stress in relationships. If you’re hiding debt, making secret purchases, or lying about your income, you’re setting yourself up for trouble. Financial dishonesty can make your spouse feel betrayed and excluded from important decisions. Even if you made a mistake, it’s always better to come clean and work through financial challenges together. Being upfront about money allows you to create a financial plan as a team and avoid surprises that could lead to conflict. Transparency about spending habits, savings goals, and even financial fears helps build trust and security in the marriage.
2. Past relationships and significant experiences
Your spouse doesn’t need to know every minor detail about your dating history, but they do deserve honesty about past relationships that could affect your marriage. If there’s an ex who still contacts you, a past marriage, or a relationship that left you with emotional baggage, your partner should be aware. Keeping past relationships a secret can make your spouse feel blindsided if the truth ever comes out. It’s much better to be honest upfront and explain anything that might be relevant to your relationship today. Being open about your past helps your spouse understand you better and prevents any surprises that could shake their trust later on.
3. Health concerns and medical conditions
Hiding health issues, whether physical or mental, can create serious problems in a marriage. If you’ve been diagnosed with a medical condition, struggling with mental health, or experiencing symptoms that concern you, keeping it a secret is unfair to your spouse. They deserve to know what’s going on so they can support you and make informed decisions together about your future. Whether it’s a chronic illness, fertility struggles, or anxiety and depression, being honest about your health allows your spouse to be there for you in meaningful ways. It also ensures that you’re making medical and lifestyle decisions as a team rather than dealing with them alone.
4. Your true feelings about the relationship
If something is bothering you in your marriage, don’t keep it to yourself. Many people avoid tough conversations because they don’t want to hurt their spouse’s feelings or cause conflict. But bottling up resentment, disappointment, or dissatisfaction will only make things worse over time. If you’re unhappy with something in the relationship, your spouse needs to know so you can work together to fix it. Open communication allows both of you to address issues before they grow into bigger problems. Expressing your feelings honestly—whether positive or negative—helps you stay connected and ensures that both of you feel heard and valued.
5. Parenting disagreements and concerns
Raising children together requires teamwork and alignment. If you disagree with your spouse about parenting styles, discipline, or important decisions regarding your children, keeping it to yourself can lead to major problems down the road. Parenting is one of the biggest challenges couples face, and if one parent feels unheard or unsupported, resentment can build. Whether it’s concerns about screen time, education, or household rules, being honest about your parenting views helps you create a united front. Working together to find solutions and compromises ensures that your children receive consistent guidance and that your marriage remains strong despite the inevitable challenges of raising a family.
6. Workplace relationships and interactions
Harmless office friendships can turn into emotional affairs if boundaries aren’t set. If you find yourself confiding in a coworker more than your spouse, developing feelings for someone at work, or hiding interactions with a colleague, it’s a sign that something needs to be addressed. Transparency about workplace relationships is crucial for trust in a marriage. Even if nothing inappropriate has happened, your spouse should feel confident that your professional relationships are open and respectful. If a work relationship starts to make you uncomfortable or crosses a boundary, it’s important to talk to your spouse about it rather than keeping it a secret.
7. Addictions or destructive habits
Struggling with an addiction—whether to alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography, or anything else—can have a profound impact on your marriage. Trying to hide an addiction only makes it worse. Your spouse should know if you’re struggling so they can offer support and help you seek the assistance you need. Addiction thrives in secrecy, and keeping it from your partner can damage trust, create distance, and even lead to financial or emotional harm. By being honest, you open the door for accountability and help. Even if your spouse is upset at first, they will likely appreciate your willingness to work through the issue together rather than keeping it hidden.
8. Major life decisions and personal goals
Are you considering changing careers, moving to a new city, or making a big investment? These decisions affect both of you, and keeping them a secret can make your spouse feel excluded. Marriage is about partnership, and that means discussing significant life choices together—even if you think they might disagree. Whether it’s going back to school, starting a business, or wanting to travel more, sharing your dreams and plans with your spouse helps ensure you’re working towards a future you both want. Keeping major decisions secret can lead to feelings of betrayal, while including your spouse in these discussions fosters teamwork and mutual support.
9. Any form of dishonesty, no matter how small
Small lies can snowball into bigger ones. Whether it’s lying about where you’ve been, who you’re texting, or why you’re late, dishonesty creates cracks in the foundation of your marriage. Even white lies can erode trust over time, making it difficult for your spouse to believe you when it really matters. Being truthful, even about the little things, builds a culture of trust that strengthens your relationship in the long run. A healthy marriage is one where both partners feel safe, valued, and respected—something that’s impossible to achieve if dishonesty is present. If you catch yourself hiding the truth, ask yourself why and consider whether your marriage would be stronger if you were honest instead.
Honesty in a marriage isn’t about sharing every passing thought or minor detail of your day. It’s about being open about the things that truly matter—the things that can affect your relationship, your future, and the trust you share. If you’re keeping any of these secrets from your spouse, now might be the time to start an honest conversation.
